--- title: 5 Secrets That Will Help You Master Conversation Skills description: What are the fundamentals of conversation skills? I’ve posted about the fundamentals of networking, and even how introverts can network but many people have written... canonical: https://time.com/2917367/5-secrets-that-will-help-you-master-conversation-skills/ author: Eric Barker article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2014-06-24T14:23:23.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-05-11T04:43:09.841Z article:section: Ideas og:title: 5 Secrets That Will Help You Master Conversation Skills og:description: What are the fundamentals of conversation skills? og:url: https://time.com/2917367/5-secrets-that-will-help-you-master-conversation-skills/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt909ecd3fe00a5040/698698f93bc9997f0e1a439c/169714017.jpg?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 1200 og:image:height: 675 og:image:alt: 169714017 og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: 5 Secrets That Will Help You Master Conversation Skills twitter:description: What are the fundamentals of conversation skills? twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt909ecd3fe00a5040/698698f93bc9997f0e1a439c/169714017.jpg?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # 5 Secrets That Will Help You Master Conversation Skills by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Jun 24, 2014 2:23 PM UTC  man talking to woman in train man talking to woman in trainTara Moore—Getty Images by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Jun 24, 2014 2:23 PM UTC ## What are the fundamentals of conversation skills? I’ve posted about the [fundamentals of networking](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/05/how-to-network/), and even [how introverts can network](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/05/networking-tips-for-shy-people/) but many people have written to me asking about the nitty gritty of conversation skills. _What do you say when you’re face to face?_ It’s a good question that isn’t often addressed. First impressions matter [even more than you think](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/are-first-impressions-really-that-big-a-deal). And once they’re set, they are [very hard to resist](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/are-we-a-slave-to-our-first-impressions). Let’s break it down: ## 1) “Be yourself” is often bad advice. Is “be yourself” the best advice before a job interview? Hell, no. Dress nice, be polite and act enthusiastic no matter what you’re like, right? What does “be yourself” even mean? **You’re not the same person moment to moment.** Face it, you can be moody. “[Fake it until you make it](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/03/fake-it-until-you-make-it/)” works. Does acting a bit in social settings mean you’re dishonest? No. **Research shows** [**putting your best foot forward actually reveals the real you**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/05/does-putting-your-best-self-forward-reveal-yo/)**:** In sum, **positive self-presentation facilitates more accurate impressions, indicating that putting one’s best self forward helps reveal one’s true self.** ## 2) Emphasize similarity. **There is extensive research that** [**we like people who are like us**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/05/whats-the-key-to-being-liked-and-being-more-i/)**.** In almost every conceivable way, from background to word choice, emphasizing similarity improves social relations. When salespeople were told to mimic the body language of listeners it was rarely noticed but sales increased 20%. Via [Honest Signals: How They Shape Our World](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0262515121/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0262515121&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0262515121): Despite the rather obvious nature of the copycat animation, only eight of the sixty-nine subjects detected the mimicry (and those mostly because they made a strange movement and then saw the agent making the same unusual motion). The remaining students liked the mimicking agent more than the recorded agent, and rated the former as being friendlier as well as more interesting, honest, and persuasive. They also paid better attention to the copycat presenter and found the mimicker to be more persuasive. **In the final analysis, just adding mimicry made the sales pitch 20 percent more effective.** ## 3) Get them talking about what interests them. People who have trouble with conversation always say the same thing: “_But what do I talk about?_” Wrong question. **The right question is “** **_How do I get them talking about what they’re interested in?_** **“** Don’t be a [conversational narcissist](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/08/are-you-a-conversational-narcissist/). Want to get along with people? Learn [how to listen](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/hostage-negotiation/). What should you say after you listen? **Research shows you should respond with things that are “**[**_active and constructive_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/12/word-sum-happier/)**_._** **“** Via [Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1439190763/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=spacforrent-20): A spontaneous conversation about sexual assault on social media led to more encouragement than public shaming. ## 4) Make people feel good. **Studies show no matter what people say** [**they prefer likable people over competent people**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/12/who-would-you-rather-have-on-your-team-a-love/)**. So don’t worry so much about being impressive.** Dale Carnegie’s work [agrees with scientific research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/01/truth-dale-carnegies-how-win-friends-influence-people/). Even [insincere flattery works](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/02/does-insincere-flattery-work/): The authors show that even when flattery by marketing agents is accompanied by an obvious ulterior motive that leads targets to discount the proffered compliments, the initial favorable reaction (the implicit attitude) continues to coexist with the discounted evaluation (the explicit attitude). Furthermore, the implicit attitude has more influential consequences than the explicit attitude, highlighting the possible subtle impact of flattery even when a person has consciously corrected for it. **How do you make people feel good without being slimy?** [**Offer sincere compliments and ask for advice**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/09/what-two-things-can-help-you-win-over-someone/)**.** ## 5) How to keep a conversation going. Avoid extremes in autonomy. **Don’t dominate a conversation, but don’t be a non-contributor either.** **Add to what they say and bounce the ball back.** Via [Brain Trust: 93 Top Scientists Reveal Lab-Tested Secrets to Surfing, Dating, Dieting, Gambling, Growing Man-Eating Plants, and More!](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307886131/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=spacforrent-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0307886131): The trick, according to Finkel, Eastwick, and Saigal, is to avoid extremes in autonomy. **Accept your date’s pass, redirect it slightly, and then return the ball— all with warmth and genuine interest in his or her responses.** **This acceptance and redirection is the push and pull that creates smoothness.** **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/)**_._** **Join 45K+ readers.** Get a free weekly update via email [here](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD). Related posts: [What are the four things that kill relationships?](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/10/kill-relationships/) [“Nice guys finish last.” Really? What does the research say?](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/05/nice-guys-finish-last/) [The top FBI hostage negotiator teaches you the 5 secrets to getting what you want](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/01/interview-negotiation-secrets-learn-top-fbi-hostage-negotiator/) _Read next:_ [_The Science of Dealing With People You Hate_](http://time.com/3642334/deal-with-difficult-people/?xid=time%5Freadnext) ### 5 Horrible Habits You Need to Stop Right Now  Do Not Email First Thing in the Morning or Last Thing at Night “The former scrambles your priorities and all your plans for the day and the latter just gives you insomnia,” says Ferriss, who insists “email can wait until 10am” or after you check off at least one substantive to-do list item. Chris Pecoraro—Getty Images  Do Not Agree to Meetings or Calls With No Clear Agenda or End Time “If the desired outcome is defined clearly… and there’s an agenda listing topics–questions to cover–no meeting or call should last more than 30 minutes,” claims Ferriss, so “request them in advance so you can ‘best prepare and make good use of our time together.'” Sam Edwards—Getty Images/Caiaimage  Do Not Check Email Constantly Batch it and check it only periodically at set times (Ferriss goes for twice a day). Your inbox is analogous to a cocaine pellet dispenser, says Ferriss. Don’t be an addict. Tools like strategic use of the auto responder and Boomerang can help. Jetta Productions—Getty Images  Do Not Carry a Digital Leash 24/7 At least one day a week leave you smartphone somewhere where you can’t get easy access to it. If you’re gasping, you’re probably the type of person that most needs to do kick this particular habit. by nacoki ( MEDIA ARC )—Getty Images/Flickr RF  Do Not Let People Ramble Sounds harsh, but it’s necessary, Ferriss believes. “Small talk takes up big time,” he says, so when people start to tell you about their weekends, cut them off politely with something like “I’m in the middle of something, but what’s up?” But be aware, not everyone agrees with this one (and certainly not in every situation), and you may want to pay particularly close attention to norms around chit chat when traveling internationally. Reza Estakhrian—Getty Images [_Listen to the most important stories of the day._](http://time.com/newsletter/the-brief/?sl%5Fautoplay=true&xid=spl-fullbrief-article) ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/2917367/5-secrets-that-will-help-you-master-conversation-skills/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/2917367/5-secrets-that-will-help-you-master-conversation-skills/"},"headline":"5 Secrets That Will Help You Master Conversation Skills","datePublished":"2014-06-24T14:23:23.000Z","dateModified":"2026-05-11T04:43:09.841Z","description":"What are the fundamentals of conversation skills? 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